Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The Ramifications of Lotion

Lotion is a hell of an invention. Especially for a person such as myself that is habitually pale, yet enjoys the sun. The flavors are infinite and the utility of such a product is invaluable. Much like frozen pizza or firearms.

Everyday I shake hands with folks, and when there is lotion residue I almost throw up. It really is odd. Out of the bottle lotion is nice, but when not properly rubbed in on the hands of a stranger, it’s appalling.

Rubbing in lotion seems like a basic skill. If you have lotion on your hands just tell me. I don’t want to shake your hand anyway. You’re probably a person I wouldn’t even acknowledge on the street unless I was being paid to be nice to you, much like a prostitute or valet.

Also, as I grab for the door to the office I encounter greasy residue on the doorknob. Because of this nastiness, I now open doors like a hypochondriac. Now I enter the room with aid of a napkin. Which makes me appear OCD to others or worse, European. Either way, all of the sudden, I come off as the crazy one. Even though there’s some skank or brosuf out there making the world unlivable.

A fictional serial killer once said, “It puts the lotion on its skin…” Just for the record, you’re supposed to rub that mess in so you don’t come off as a slimy horse-jacker from a stud farm.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

You Leave Now Round-Eye!!!

The following are 10 things to do at a Chinese buffet

1. Wear a cowboy hat. Draw attention to yourself right when you enter the joint.

2. If there is a fresh bread lady, always accept her bread. Take control of all bread within a 50ft radius. Be dedicated. Lie, cheat and steal until you're king of a mighty bread mountain. Four feet is the record.  

3. Make jello a universal condiment. It goes on everything.

4. Take at least three food items with you to the bathroom. It makes you seem mysterious. Throw away the food and come out chewing.

5. If there is a guy that will cook stuff on the Wok, keep winking at him. Go ahead and give him a hug before you leave.

6. Converse with post-it notes to appear deaf. Then, overreact to all sounds.

7. Keep asking the busboy to bring you lobster and a baked potato with ranch on the side.

8. When eating utensils aren't in use store them under your armpit.

9. If you talk to an employee, act scared. They're the hammer and you're the nail. It's time to cry on command if you can.  

10. When paying out, call the cashier "master."