Thursday, December 5, 2013

The 4 Weathermen of The DFW Apocalypse: 10 Steps to Fabricating Fear


10. Make the winter storm easy to hate. Frozen precipitation is the color pink on a Doppler
radar color code. This is on purpose, it makes the snow seem super gay.

9. When speaking of a storm system make it seem as if it's a freight train hauling a load of child molesters to the audience's doorstep.

8. Always compare current weather to extreme events that occurred in the past. It's okay to refer to pre-Biblical times.

7. Make sure you take off your suit jacket, loosen your tie and roll up your sleeves a quarter the way up your arm. Let the audience know this is the hardest acting gig since your stuntman days performing in the wild west show at Six Flags.

6. Keep reminding people that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees Fahrenheit, then point to areas on a map with temperatures below freezing and bug your eyes out.

5. Look at blurry pictures sent to you by people who can barely use a camera. Then let your imagination run wild to what you're looking at. "A frozen koi pond or a glacier, who knows? death is certain either way."

4. The holy grail, b-roll footage of wrecks where snow is in the shot. The accident footage can be from any location or decade.

3. When the news anchor throws the newscast to you act a little disgusted at the light banter they just made you take part in. You're a weather man dammit, not some mailman or zookeeper.

2. Break in at least once during primetime programming to reiterate that the Winter Season thinks everyone watching the newscast killed its dad. The storm system plans on using a "wintery mix" to avenge his death.

1.  Don't ever mention the fact that this is all taking place in Texas and the winter assault will end in 72 hours. If you do end up mentioning it, compare our few days of winter to the 3 months of desolate, soul-crushing, alcoholism-inducing weather of our northern neighbors.

Just add ice to make a
delicious Chaos Cocktail!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Christmas Drama

My Fantasy Curling Team

All these foreigners better start giving a damn. Flargin Lettinen, Zubo Kalkokov, Surge Meskinen and the other guy that spells his name with all vowels better step up their game or I'll cut'em. I'm colder than the ice they awkwardly walk upon.