Monday, July 25, 2011

Retarded Bill Boards

As I was hanging out in the park smoking crack* and listening to sports-talk radio, I often watch the people. 

There's mad-black-rapper-guy walking to work, old people feeding the ducks complaining about people smoking crack in the park and Mexicans working out in blue jeans. Then there's the Adult Daycare bus that unloads a gaggle of mentally disabled people. 

I wouldn't dare make fun of the "specials." I connect with the mentally dissed. When they're all running around it takes me back to recess in grade school. It's sort of nostalgic. Besides, at the end of the day, I too love chasing ducks. 

As I just chilled and dreaded the end of my lunch break, I noticed a reoccurring theme. More than a stereo-type, but an undeniable truth I could see with my very own eyes. The mentally disabled are unknowing pawns in the advertising game. 

One guy had on a Kool cigarette t-shirt, another was wearing Miller Lite pajama bottoms. Corona hats, Guiness Flip-flops and all kinds of swag that promo chicks give you at bars. How did these people get their hands on this stuff? I realize you can get some of these clothes at stores, but I would think the handlers/parents of these special folks wouldn't buy them promo sin swag. The park was full of retarded Duff Men.

I want to open an Ad Agency that pays the retarded part of our population to be walking billboards. When you pay folks the word "exploited" changes to "employed." Everyone takes notice when a special person enters the room. I think it would be a roaring success.

Or maybe they just like to party. If they asked me to go with them on their bus and do some mid-day drink'in and duck chase'in I'd probably be down. A large group of retarded folks drunk would have to be a new level of crazy. 

That Black-Eye Pea song makes sense to me now. The party would literally be retarded.  

* I don't smoke crack. I lack the networking skills to make it happen.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Welcome to the Zoo

I like going to the zoo. Do I love to see animals caged? No. However, I am poor and the only way I can see a monkey is at the damn zoo with all those uppity zookeepers.

One time the guy that was working in the hippo exhibit was talking to us like he was a marine biologist. All you do is pick up after an animal that lives to poop by the tons. Get off your high-hippo dude. As you can see, I might not be a fan of the hippos. Sure they're big, but my interest in them is similar to looking at obese people. They're interesting for a moment, but their sedentary lifestyle annoys me.

When I'm at the zoo I'm monkey bound. Monkeys are captivating. And make no mistake, when they show teeth, it ain't no smile. That's an act of aggression, brotha. I've done a little monkey research on the internet. No biggie. And we all know what happens next. I'd reccomend carrying a little sandwich bag full of feces in case a skat fight breaks out.

Last time I went, I bought a cup of Dip n Dots. I'd never eaten ice cream that was the consistency of Styrofoam. I've lived a sheltered life I guess. It was a real game-changer.


The craziest thing about the zoo are the white trash animals that don't belong. I always see pigeons and squirrels infiltrating the outdoor exhibits. It's like a microcosm of the United States. Illegal immigration, dishonesty and a

desperate need to experiment with fame.


The encroaching woodland creatures in the gazelle exhibit aren't fooling anyone. If your outside the aviary netting, your just a bird. I discovered that gazelles like peanuts, but do you think the squirrels would give them a chance to enjoy my nuts? No. There was a force field of squirrels that intercepted every peanut that I threw to the gentle horny beasts.


You animals might be able to come and go as you please, but your still bastards. Rubbing your freedom in the face of the caged is wrong, stealing their food is unforgivable. We need some border patrol in this zoo.