Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Welcome to the Zoo

I like going to the zoo. Do I love to see animals caged? No. However, I am poor and the only way I can see a monkey is at the damn zoo with all those uppity zookeepers.

One time the guy that was working in the hippo exhibit was talking to us like he was a marine biologist. All you do is pick up after an animal that lives to poop by the tons. Get off your high-hippo dude. As you can see, I might not be a fan of the hippos. Sure they're big, but my interest in them is similar to looking at obese people. They're interesting for a moment, but their sedentary lifestyle annoys me.

When I'm at the zoo I'm monkey bound. Monkeys are captivating. And make no mistake, when they show teeth, it ain't no smile. That's an act of aggression, brotha. I've done a little monkey research on the internet. No biggie. And we all know what happens next. I'd reccomend carrying a little sandwich bag full of feces in case a skat fight breaks out.

Last time I went, I bought a cup of Dip n Dots. I'd never eaten ice cream that was the consistency of Styrofoam. I've lived a sheltered life I guess. It was a real game-changer.


The craziest thing about the zoo are the white trash animals that don't belong. I always see pigeons and squirrels infiltrating the outdoor exhibits. It's like a microcosm of the United States. Illegal immigration, dishonesty and a

desperate need to experiment with fame.


The encroaching woodland creatures in the gazelle exhibit aren't fooling anyone. If your outside the aviary netting, your just a bird. I discovered that gazelles like peanuts, but do you think the squirrels would give them a chance to enjoy my nuts? No. There was a force field of squirrels that intercepted every peanut that I threw to the gentle horny beasts.


You animals might be able to come and go as you please, but your still bastards. Rubbing your freedom in the face of the caged is wrong, stealing their food is unforgivable. We need some border patrol in this zoo.

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