Thursday, April 10, 2014

Easter, Hitler and Weed

Easter, everyone's favorite Pagan inspired holiday, will occur on the 20th of April this year. Which means it will have to share the date with the birth of Hitler and the 420 Pot Holiday. It's the perfect storm of weird grab a life vest.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Mexicans Never Take a Break

At any time, at any place of work in the world, 1 out of 3 break rooms has a Mexican lady on her lunch break preparing flower arrangements for either a QuinceaƱera or wedding .

These findings are based on the fact that the communal employee refrigerator no longer can house my ice tea jug. To my disappointment, it has been commandeered by Rosa to be used as floral storage.

The union of Bianca and Guillermo is already a thorn in my side and I'm not even invited to the wedding. I better get a boutonniere to placate all this inconvenience or I'm going scorched Earth.

I know it's a joyous occasion, but the whole wedding seems to be off to a bad start. Bianca is controlling. Rosa ,the amateur florist in the break room that has a stronghold over the refrigerator, told me that Bianca made Guillermo get rid of his dog. That's just messed up and Rosa agrees with me.

Bianca is also making Guillermo co-sign for a new car and take out a payday loan to pay off her tuition fees from Everest College. The most messed up part is she didn't even end up with a certification in medical billing and coding.

Rosa has her reservations about the whole thing and I can't blame her, so do I. "Guillermo is such a trusting person. I hope it all ends well," she said. "Well it seems like Bianca might be using him, but I sure hope I'm wrong," I replied.

Wait, what was  I talking about?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Let's Take a Vacation

Who wants to go with me to this new vacation hotspot called Passages Malibu? Even though my TV was on mute, I could tell this place looked fun!!! I wonder if it's all-inclusive or you pay as you go.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Half-Eaten Rotisserie Chicken in the Bathroom

A few days ago I was at a supermarket and I saw something that will stay with me forever. It's true what they say, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. A half-eaten rotisserie chicken sitting on the toilet seat of the handicap stall is quite memorable.

Once I moved past the shock, I was left analyzing the situation. If someone did want a free meal, eating it in the bathroom is a pretty fool proof plan of getting away with it. Who knows, perhaps it was purchased and consuming it in the restroom was premeditated.

I'm no judge. I'm just a guy with the songify app. So I dusted off a forgotten toy and made a crappy song. I also realized I've been misspelling the word "rotisserie" my entire life. So some personal growth did come out of it all.

The link to your audio bliss:

http://khu.sh/songify_52fe86fec7475&v2

Monday, February 24, 2014

A One Hole Golf Tournament

Elfego Baca was born February 10, 1865. At age 19 he bought a mail-order badge. I didn't misspell "bride", keep reading stupid. He stole some guns. Then he appointed himself Sheriff of Socorro County, New Mexico in 1884.
While the rest of the wild west was becoming tame, Southwest New Mexico was like international waters. It was common for cowboys to come into town and take over. They'd get drunk, get bored and shoot up the town. Just because there was a town with a saloon, general store and bank, didn't necessarily mean there was law enforcement.

Most westerns are horseshit when it comes to accuracy, but this guy's life followed the story line of the movie Tombstone. Back then, when you killed the right people, folks thought you were a cool dude. So, after being in a few gunfights ,and surviving them, a legend was born.

Fast-forward to the present, the laws of the land aren't as simple, but one can't deny a legend. The Elfego Baca Shoot Out golf tournament takes place 7,243 feet above sea level on Socorro Peak. There is only one hole and it lies 2550 feet down hill with an overall distance of 3 miles. That's right, a golf tournament that consists of one hole.

Even a good shot is hard to find, a bad one is often a guaranteed loss ball which means one stroke.From the tee box the spotters go to work attempting to find the ball or decide where to drop the ball if it goes down a mine-shaft. Oh yeah, there's a ridiculous amount of mines along with all the rocks and elevation. Each participant can lose 10 balls then they're disqualified.

The hole record is 9 shots set by Mike Stanley, but the score card goes all the way up to 75 strokes. Needless to say, par isn't even a consideration, just finishing with any of the ten balls your given is a win in itself.

Entry Fee for the Elfego Shootout is $100.00
Payoff
1st        $750
2nd      $500
3rd       $400
4th       $300
5th       $200
6th       $100


More info @ www.socorroopen.com

Friday, February 14, 2014

So It's Valentimes Day

An Old Lady fighting through the sadness.
I've noticed a great deal of
entrepreneurs on the side of the road selling over priced flora, candy and gift baskets. Then I thought to myself, "Why can't I make money off desperate people?"

So, without further adieu, here's a list of what my magical Valentimes Baskets will include:
  • Clearance chocolate from last year's Valentimes
  • Toilet paper rose
  • Counterfeit Beanie Baby (either lobster or squirrel)
  • Roll of cherry Rolaids
  • Disappointment
  • 12 oz. zip-lock baggy of Merlot
  • $20 gift card to Olive Garden with only $5 on it
  • Signed head shot of retired Texas Ranger Julio
    Julio Franco is all about "Uh Gud Tine."
    Franco
  • Engraved heart pendant that says "I'm Sorry"
  • 1 quart of pink cake icing.
 
Also, the basket is technically a promotional tote bag for the anti-depression medication Cymbalta. In addition, the containers housing the cake icing , bought at a surplus freight auction, are slightly burnt.
 
Get it all for $60 and show them how much they mean to you. Look for me today at a toll booth or turnpike near you!

Friday, February 7, 2014

5 Celebrities that Should Be Less Admired

Johnny Cash - The story doesn't start with Cash's love of cocaine. Nor is it about finding Jesus and attempting to atone for his sins. Nope, I'm talking about the total eradication of a species.

One day, Mr. Cash was driving through Los Padres National Forest in California as a wheel bearing on his truck failed. FYI, when a bearing fails, the inevitable result is heat from the friction. Johnny was stranded, his truck was lame and "just a little bit" on fire. So like any responsible person he decided to abandon the smoldering vehicle and go fishing. A cup of coffee could of put the fire out.

The neglected fire burned almost an entire square mile of forest. Part of the destruction contained 53 California Condors, which at the time was roughly half of the entire species. Only 4 condors of the 53 at the reserve survived the fire and Johnny Cash was fined $82,000. All a defiant Cash had to say about the incident was "I don't care about your damn yellow buzzards."

Chuck Berry - For those of you too young or not into music, Chuck Berry is a guitarist and songwriter. He's a music pioneer and is credited with being one of the inventors of the Rock n' Roll genre.

Before he was a legend he dabbled in armed robbery and grand theft auto, but it's what occurred later in his life that's shocking. In the 80's Berry owned a restaurant/bar built around his greatness and decided to place a camera in the women's restroom.

The poorly hidden camera was soon discovered by one of the customers and footage was seized that contained images of female customers, some minors, as they used the facilities. The legal suits followed and Berry settled each one out of court to avoid charges.

Bill Cosby - What? This must be a mistake. Why is everyone's favorite TV dad on this list? In a shocking court case from 2003, that didn't get much publicity, a woman close to the comedian claimed he drugged and sexually assaulted her. The case mysteriously never went to trail, but it did cause a flood of victims to come forward some as recent as last year.

The 10 plus women that have come forward all have the same story of being drugged and fondled while in a narcotized state. However, no criminal action against Cosby has taken place because none of the women ended up pursuing charges. In fact, most formally retracted their stories.

The suits where settled with financial dispatch that is thought could total as much as $50 million to keep the 10 or more women quiet. This number is merely speculation and is based on the average settlements of more public cases' that have actually went to trail.

Michael Jordon - The NBA legend and merchandizing mogul is a gambling addict. In 1992 Jordan's vice-free image was tarnished when his signature appeared on a personal check made out to James "Slim" Bouler for $57,000. When Bouler, a high-level cocaine dealer, was convicted, Jordan was asked to explain his connection to the kingpin. In a deposition, Jordon claimed it was a business loan, but later recanted his answer and confessed that it was payment for money lost in one weekend during a poker tournament.

All while Jordan and the Bulls dominated their competition in the 90's rumors would surface of Jordan losing $900,000 in golf-related wagering, staying up all night before games at baccarat tables and private poker games in hotel rooms.

Mainstream news was a partner in crime as they seemed to ignore these occurrences and focus on his greatness. That is until Jordan's unexpected retirement from the NBA. The theory behind his decision was that the NBA could no longer ignore his gambling. Which would make one think they discovered he was betting on NBA games. Which is incredibly illegal, just ask Pete Rose.

Phil Robertson - The outspoken patriarch of Duck Dynasty was quite the hell raiser in his 20's. The respectable man of today and on TV was a vile human in his youth. He abandoned his family and chose the bottle over being a responsible parent, but he found Jesus and took back the role of family leader when he sobered up. I'm a fan of anyone that hits rock bottom and bounces back twice as hard in a positive direction, but victims were left in the wake of this man's transformation.

Before his financial independence and the Duck Commander brand became an industry leader, he was an owner of a dive bar. When the day came to renew the bar's lease the landlords, a husband and wife, informed him the rent would be going up. Phil didn't agree with the price increase and proceeded to savagely beat both of them.

Rumor has it, the beaten couple awoke in the hospital to Robertson's wife attempting to persuade them not to press charges. Her efforts were successful, but they still filed a restraining order against Phil.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

A Statement About the State of the Union

Mike Crapo
Before we address the State of the Union I'd like you all to keep the following members of congress in your hearts and prayers.

Jesse Jackson Jr.
Republican Mike Crapo of Idaho who was arrested in December 2012 for drinking and driving.  Democrat Jesse Jackson, Jr. of Illinois for his ingenious and highly illegal misuse of $750,000 of campaign funds. Rick Renzi a republican from the great state of Arizona who was found guilty of 17 counts consisting of ,but not limited to, wire fraud, extortion and money laundering. Trey Radel a plucky republican from Florida who was just at the wrong place at the wrong time with a pile of cocaine.

Rick Renzi
There are many more elected criminals, but these are the most recent to get busted. Make no mistake, these men are still dedicated to ensuring their American dream comes true and they are really sad they got caught. I'm sure we've all been guilty of being too passionate about our causes. Then we end up getting drunk, do a bunch of cocaine, drive under the influence and steal three-quarters of a million dollars. Congressmen and regular people really aren't that different.

We've now got to look past these little things and focus on our politician's future. We still live in a fantasy world without any realistic perception. And trust me when I say this, we don't think of the general public as pawns, but more like a passed out virgin at a frat house kegger. It wasn't hard, we just told her the GHB was government aid.

Trey Radel
But even though we live in this fantasy world, the mixing of red and blue no longer makes a harmonious purple, but instead creates a pathetic group of people attempting to justify their failures. Gutless trust fund babies and lawyers are debating at this moment for their own self preservation. So get out and vote now!

We know if we wear suits and practice perfect diction you all will make us career politicians. With time we'll become complacent and instead of an impending economic collapse keeping us up at night it will just be the cocaine. We'll continue to call your bluff. Your threat to "press the reset button" comes from a minority of the population that simply doesn't matter.

See y'all at the next election.
                                                                                             
                                                                                              Sincerely,
                                                                                             
                                                                                              Your Leadership

Friday, January 17, 2014

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The 4 Weathermen of The DFW Apocalypse: 10 Steps to Fabricating Fear


10. Make the winter storm easy to hate. Frozen precipitation is the color pink on a Doppler
radar color code. This is on purpose, it makes the snow seem super gay.

9. When speaking of a storm system make it seem as if it's a freight train hauling a load of child molesters to the audience's doorstep.

8. Always compare current weather to extreme events that occurred in the past. It's okay to refer to pre-Biblical times.

7. Make sure you take off your suit jacket, loosen your tie and roll up your sleeves a quarter the way up your arm. Let the audience know this is the hardest acting gig since your stuntman days performing in the wild west show at Six Flags.

6. Keep reminding people that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees Fahrenheit, then point to areas on a map with temperatures below freezing and bug your eyes out.

5. Look at blurry pictures sent to you by people who can barely use a camera. Then let your imagination run wild to what you're looking at. "A frozen koi pond or a glacier, who knows? death is certain either way."

4. The holy grail, b-roll footage of wrecks where snow is in the shot. The accident footage can be from any location or decade.

3. When the news anchor throws the newscast to you act a little disgusted at the light banter they just made you take part in. You're a weather man dammit, not some mailman or zookeeper.

2. Break in at least once during primetime programming to reiterate that the Winter Season thinks everyone watching the newscast killed its dad. The storm system plans on using a "wintery mix" to avenge his death.

1.  Don't ever mention the fact that this is all taking place in Texas and the winter assault will end in 72 hours. If you do end up mentioning it, compare our few days of winter to the 3 months of desolate, soul-crushing, alcoholism-inducing weather of our northern neighbors.

Just add ice to make a
delicious Chaos Cocktail!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Christmas Drama

My Fantasy Curling Team

All these foreigners better start giving a damn. Flargin Lettinen, Zubo Kalkokov, Surge Meskinen and the other guy that spells his name with all vowels better step up their game or I'll cut'em. I'm colder than the ice they awkwardly walk upon.