Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Who the hell gave my name to the Scientology folks?

Here's my response to the form letter and book they sent me:

Dear Scientology People,

This planet sucks. Get me out of here. I wanted to grow up to be a caveman and it never happened.

Then one time I was tricked into thinking I was going to a Metallica concert and it ended up being a cockfight. A man with a glass eye burned me with a cigarette and stroked my hair. 

I went ahead and returned your book Dianetics. I think I already tried that diet a few years ago. All it did was make me hate bananas and have diarrhea all the time. (This attached picture demonstrates my aversion to bananas.)

Love ya, mean it,
Mateo
P.S. - If you want to send me anymore literature a Batman graphic novel would be much appreciated.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

High School Girls are Dumb and So is the New i-Phone

Just the other day a lady at work got an automated phone call from her daughter's school proclaiming her child was safe and not to worry about the girl trying to stab random people in the halls.

All these stupid high school chicks and their crazy Slender Man Cults. When did bulimia and cutting yourself go out of style? That worked pretty well in garnering undeserved compassion and attention when I was in High School.

Also, when you plan to stab someone 19 times everyone thinks you're a jerk. What's the pay-off? Instead of a fake cult that doesn't exist how about a real one? There's plenty of established cults in your area that would love to add you to their nutty roster and you don't have to kill anyone. I think the The Branch Davidians and Scientologists even offer a 401K with membership. If they match more than 50% I might join.

Maybe I'm missing something. Perhaps the current members of this cult are hella-cool and you get an i-Phone 6 post homicide. Either way, I bet you're stuck in a 2 year contract. Instead of stabbing people, why not go to a flea market and buy a 2 year old, hacked Galaxy 3 for $60 and be amazed at what Apple considers cutting edge. I think I got off topic, but seriously, the new i-Phones will bend in your pocket. Look it up, it's the dumbest thing since high school chicks killing each other out of boredom.

Now Slander Man, that's a character. A dude that just goes around talking shit about people. Who am I kidding, that's me and every human on the face of the planet. Slander Man can appear at work, family reunions and holiday functions. Armed with the super-human ability to cause the fat lady co-worker to cry, making memaw disappointed in you and the reason the Jewish person left the Christmas Party early. IT'S A JERK! IT'S A BIGOT! NO, IT'S SLANDER MAN!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

I asked the dolphin...

...if the murder was premeditated. He ended up admitting it was on porpoise.

Monday, April 28, 2014

A Dog/Cat Film

Lazy Gender Benders

I've noticed a lot of transvestites these days. I'm pretty progressive, go ahead and do your thing. Be gay, be straight, be indifferent to your difference, but put forth some effort please.  

As I stood in line at a gas station I noticed one of the employees. It was a female impersonating a dude, spike hair, pants that don't fit and a chain wallet. Men are more than that, how about a little arrogance? Maybe work on your walk, cause that's the first thing that gave it away for me. Swagger like your a tough guy, perhaps some research.

Just the other day I saw a guy dragged out at a fast food joint. Come on dude, you look like that pretty man-elf from Lord of Rings. Everyday is Halloween for you folks and you fall short daily, commit to the role. Wear what needs to be worn and cut out this scarf BS. You might as well just wear a sign that says Tranny. I won't notice the Adam's apple if your wearing quality fake boobs.

I realize it's hard, but you picked this life so step up. Become the role, put forth some effort. You are putting on a performance and being criticized is the only way you'll improve your craft. Life is a stage and the character you chose needs a costume designer.

Here's to being a social outcast of a different sort...the lazy tranny.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Easter, Hitler and Weed

Easter, everyone's favorite Pagan inspired holiday, will occur on the 20th of April this year. Which means it will have to share the date with the birth of Hitler and the 420 Pot Holiday. It's the perfect storm of weird grab a life vest.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Mexicans Never Take a Break

At any time, at any place of work in the world, 1 out of 3 break rooms has a Mexican lady on her lunch break preparing flower arrangements for either a QuinceaƱera or wedding .

These findings are based on the fact that the communal employee refrigerator no longer can house my ice tea jug. To my disappointment, it has been commandeered by Rosa to be used as floral storage.

The union of Bianca and Guillermo is already a thorn in my side and I'm not even invited to the wedding. I better get a boutonniere to placate all this inconvenience or I'm going scorched Earth.

I know it's a joyous occasion, but the whole wedding seems to be off to a bad start. Bianca is controlling. Rosa ,the amateur florist in the break room that has a stronghold over the refrigerator, told me that Bianca made Guillermo get rid of his dog. That's just messed up and Rosa agrees with me.

Bianca is also making Guillermo co-sign for a new car and take out a payday loan to pay off her tuition fees from Everest College. The most messed up part is she didn't even end up with a certification in medical billing and coding.

Rosa has her reservations about the whole thing and I can't blame her, so do I. "Guillermo is such a trusting person. I hope it all ends well," she said. "Well it seems like Bianca might be using him, but I sure hope I'm wrong," I replied.

Wait, what was  I talking about?

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Let's Take a Vacation

Who wants to go with me to this new vacation hotspot called Passages Malibu? Even though my TV was on mute, I could tell this place looked fun!!! I wonder if it's all-inclusive or you pay as you go.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Half-Eaten Rotisserie Chicken in the Bathroom

A few days ago I was at a supermarket and I saw something that will stay with me forever. It's true what they say, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. A half-eaten rotisserie chicken sitting on the toilet seat of the handicap stall is quite memorable.

Once I moved past the shock, I was left analyzing the situation. If someone did want a free meal, eating it in the bathroom is a pretty fool proof plan of getting away with it. Who knows, perhaps it was purchased and consuming it in the restroom was premeditated.

I'm no judge. I'm just a guy with the songify app. So I dusted off a forgotten toy and made a crappy song. I also realized I've been misspelling the word "rotisserie" my entire life. So some personal growth did come out of it all.

The link to your audio bliss:

http://khu.sh/songify_52fe86fec7475&v2

Monday, February 24, 2014

A One Hole Golf Tournament

Elfego Baca was born February 10, 1865. At age 19 he bought a mail-order badge. I didn't misspell "bride", keep reading stupid. He stole some guns. Then he appointed himself Sheriff of Socorro County, New Mexico in 1884.
While the rest of the wild west was becoming tame, Southwest New Mexico was like international waters. It was common for cowboys to come into town and take over. They'd get drunk, get bored and shoot up the town. Just because there was a town with a saloon, general store and bank, didn't necessarily mean there was law enforcement.

Most westerns are horseshit when it comes to accuracy, but this guy's life followed the story line of the movie Tombstone. Back then, when you killed the right people, folks thought you were a cool dude. So, after being in a few gunfights ,and surviving them, a legend was born.

Fast-forward to the present, the laws of the land aren't as simple, but one can't deny a legend. The Elfego Baca Shoot Out golf tournament takes place 7,243 feet above sea level on Socorro Peak. There is only one hole and it lies 2550 feet down hill with an overall distance of 3 miles. That's right, a golf tournament that consists of one hole.

Even a good shot is hard to find, a bad one is often a guaranteed loss ball which means one stroke.From the tee box the spotters go to work attempting to find the ball or decide where to drop the ball if it goes down a mine-shaft. Oh yeah, there's a ridiculous amount of mines along with all the rocks and elevation. Each participant can lose 10 balls then they're disqualified.

The hole record is 9 shots set by Mike Stanley, but the score card goes all the way up to 75 strokes. Needless to say, par isn't even a consideration, just finishing with any of the ten balls your given is a win in itself.

Entry Fee for the Elfego Shootout is $100.00
Payoff
1st        $750
2nd      $500
3rd       $400
4th       $300
5th       $200
6th       $100


More info @ www.socorroopen.com

Friday, February 14, 2014

So It's Valentimes Day

An Old Lady fighting through the sadness.
I've noticed a great deal of
entrepreneurs on the side of the road selling over priced flora, candy and gift baskets. Then I thought to myself, "Why can't I make money off desperate people?"



So, without further adieu, here's a list of what my magical Valentimes Baskets will include:
  • Clearance chocolate from last year's Valentimes
  • Toilet paper rose
  • Counterfeit Beanie Baby (either lobster or squirrel)
  • Roll of cherry Rolaids
  • Disappointment
  • 12 oz. zip-lock baggy of Merlot
  • $20 gift card to Olive Garden with only $5 on it
  • Signed head shot of retired Texas Ranger Julio
    Julio Franco is all about "Uh Gud Tine."
    Franco
  • Engraved heart pendant that says "I'm Sorry"
  • 1 quart of pink cake icing.
 
Also, the basket is technically a promotional tote bag for the anti-depression medication Cymbalta. In addition, the containers housing the cake icing , bought at a surplus freight auction, are slightly burnt.
 
Get it all for $60 and show them how much they mean to you. Look for me today at a toll booth or turnpike near you!