Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Spoiler Alert

Listen, unless your exceeding speeds over 120 mph you don't need a spoiler on your Cavalier, Neon, Jetta, Mustang or any lame car your stuck driving.

Putting a spoiler on your car, when not going over 80 mph, only adds drag. That's right, you just made your car slower in daily driving situations.

Besides, your cool enough without the spoiler. I realize the material world defines you and that's fine. Perhaps, focus on your pho-hawk and go buy a new shirt with flames or skulls on it. That alone will tell me your a douche bag versus after market add-ons to your automobile.

I realize Gadzooks has closed, but you can still get quality flame shirts at such places as Kohle's and select Army-Navy stores.

Thank you for your time on the matter and I expect this action will most likely get me "served." I am ready for any dance-off that might come my way. But when it's all said and done, win or lose, you still lack style and an understanding of basic aerodynamics. 

When you do the Roger Rabbit while wearing a flame shirt you look like an inferno.

Flame on you retarded demons of speed. If society gives you enough rope maybe you'll hang yourself. 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Only Zombies Can Save Us

As I sit in traffic I notice what folks are doing around me. I see long faces and uninspired gazes. Every now and then, someone will come alive to spew venom at a fellow motorist. I fear the day I'm in the company of someone with more ammo than self restraint. Being trapped in a hopeless situation is the worst.

As I wait in line at the grocery store I observe the people around me. Most seem angry or indifferent about the time wasted waiting to purchase and consume. The folks's with kids are occupied with saying "no" to the child's demands for candy. While others sneak a free read from the fish-wrap that tells the secrets of  famous people.

As I merely exist, all I see are people attempting to cut their rope and escape. Yet no matter how hard they try, pride, addiction or love keeps them from seeking their independence.

Fear is a powerful motivator, but it can also be the noose around your neck. Either way, below our surface we're all hoping to hell there's just a little more than what we've already experienced.

There's a sort of hopelessness to it all. The monotony, the repetition and the uncertain destination can get to you. Most of us wake up, go through the motions of a job and fake it until we're off the clock. And we do this for the sake of our own self preservation. Some look no further than the next day, others are planning the next big purchase, while a few are motivated by the noble pursuit of the well-being of another.

The mindless actions of people scare me, the future and my own personal apathy ,about everything, is frightening. Some movie about a Pandemic that spawns flesh-eating drones from the bodies of deceased humans seems lame, but yet the world can't get enough of it these days.

The US and the world are in a financial tailspin. Not everyone has hit total rock bottom. They might think they have, but like pain tolerance it's all relative to what you've endured previously in your life. The man missing a leg might have the final word over the man with the paper cut.

The daily battles, plus a bleak fiscal future and the invented oppression we create to justify our lackluster existence, breeds depression. Trust me I lack a degree in psychology, but I've got a great deal of "on the job training." Not giving a damn is great in theory, but we refuse to become a zombie. Instead, we revel in their demise as we bathe in the digital bloodbath.

A zombie personifies the ills of society, our failures and everything we hate. As we look on, we couldn't be more in tune with the characters attempting to conquer the mindless, bloodthirsty and apathetic. We're more than the fly on the wall witnessing the plot unfold, we are that hopeless victim full of anger that's powered by an unyielding blind hope. All the while, the audience is seeking revenge for something they can't quite define.

This is more than escapism. It's group therapy by means of mob mentality. All the things that try to destroy us are suddenly well defined and can be killed without remorse. Sure, as the credits roll nothing has changed. You're still living paycheck to paycheck, our government is pitiful and the 80% of the population you can't stand is still alive, but hey, it could always be worse. In a way, it's beautiful.

The next zombie Apocalypse you witness allow yourself to be inspired.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Let's Form a Suicide Pact :)

Suicide pacts are funny. According to the first sentence of the Wikipedia "suicide pact" entry: A suicide pact describes the suicides of two or more individuals in an agreed-upon plan.

Not to be confused with the super-sheep that take part in mass suicides such as the Heaven's Gate Cult. Nope, instead of following the ass in front of you into the slaughterhouse, this is more along the lines of wearing matching jerseys to a sporting event. Baaaaa, let's all kill ourselves.

Shakespeare's most well-known play, I think it's called Rockafaldo and Juliet, made suicide pacts seem cool. Instead of just sneaking off to live their lives together in infinite bliss, they offed each other with poison. I guess that's neat. When I had to read it in school I always thought to myself, "So I can't wear a shirt that says FART on it, but I can read stories about self-inflicted death over a skank. That's super."   

I've always wondered, how much planning goes into these life-ending decisions. Do people make a note on a calendar or is it more like shoplifting a candy bar, you know do it quick before you wimp out.

I guess there has to be a note or some sort of statement of fact that confirms the joint decision. Most importantly, if it is a "save-the-date" sort of thing, how many get canceled or postponed indefinitely because of weather, fear and laziness? 
Another thing that bothers me is ,in most cases, these couples, troubled triads and like-minded people love each other. What? I don't want someone I love to die, I want some jerk to die. I'd only join a suici-pact if the following people were on the list with me: Jay Leno, The Aflac Duck, Charles Manson, Bruno Mars, Lebron James, Any religious TV Evangelist or any run of the mill child molester.

I'd clean house and be known as a the world's best janitor. A real martyr the public could get behind, not just some foreigner from a loser country with an agenda that only makes sense to him and a deity that doesn't exist. I'd be, dare I say...(dramatic pause)... a hero.

Look for a letter in the mail if I hate you. It'll be a brochure with sweet colors, pics and convincing points why you should join me in jumping off the top of Bank of America Plaza aka The Big Green Pickle in downtown Dallas.

I'm pretty sure I can make this happen. My skills in persuasion can only be rivaled by my tedious deidication to the logistics it will take to complete the mission. See you jerks at "The Pickle"...(yet another dramatic pause)...soon.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jesus Spoke to me Today

I ran into Jesus today, at work. He works in the same complex as I do at a roofing company. I enjoy our conversations. I've spoke to Jesus once before about truck tires and rims.

We also discuss the weather and current events, but today was different. He told me to tell the world of his message.

So here it is:

"My brother's dog just had a litter of pit bull puppies. If you know anyone wanting a dog let know." Amen. Let the world rejoice and follow his voice to the promise land.

Let us pray that the brother of Jesus has both sets of papers for the parents of the litter. For it is written, that the value of a puppy is directly proportional to the evidence that ensures it is indeed a pure breed.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mexican Cinema

I watch a lot of Telemundo and Univision. Last night I saw a movie so bad that I sat and watched the whole damn thing from beginning to end. So here's a list of what makes a great/bad Mexican movie.

1. Somehow, some way, the lead character will ride a horse at some point.

2. There is a reoccurring, errant chicken in  background shots.

3. Actors on camera seem surprised when the movie ends.

4. The boom mic, it might as well be a character. I see its plentiful and sporadic appearances as a potential drinking game.

5. When a character uses the phone he uses his index finger to dial. Who the hell does that? The thumb is the only way to go. Just try doing it, you'll see what I mean.

6. And when the phone rings, the character that's supposed to answer is staring at it waiting, as if he's telepathic.

7. Somehow every gunfight occurs in a rock quarry.

8. Actors using firearms ,that apparently, have never shot a gun before. A little firearms training goes a long way. When the villain slays people with his Desert Eagle it would be nice if he didn't flinch like a little bitch.

9. Every stinking car is a piece of crap. Last night the hero of the movie drove a Corsica. The villain drove a Cavalier.

10. The random use of midgets and the need for dogs that have the ability to talk.

11. Random, unexpected and pointless nudity. This is a big plus.

12. The men are unproportionally ugly to the women in the movie that are as hot as Telemundo weather chicks.

13. At some point, a meeting between key characters will take place in a strip club.

14. There will be at least 10 images of the Virgin Mary. Look for it to appear in the background hanging on the wall or when the stripper goes to kill the priest that betrayed her.  

15. Black people that speak Spanish. They add that in because it's totally odd to see a brother speaking Spanish.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Blood/Crip Hybrid Project

Well I did it. A feat once thought unattainable, now can be seen and touched by the cynics and the dreamers. The speed of science is now in pace with the beat of the human heart and this is an exciting time.

A time where the convergence of cultures mix without volatile conflict, a time where change is a positive. The journey was longer than I thought it would be. The path needed to be made by a trailblazer.

As my footprints chronicled the journey, the world followed in anticipation. My legacy will exist beyond the dirt. A thousand mountain switchbacks lay in front of me, to my back, the progress.

Along the way I had a great deal of help. I'd like to thank my local livestock farmer, the apathetic police and the clueless fools that never thought to pursue the solution.

The genetics of two opposite polar minds. The culture of crime defined, now infiltrated by good people hoping to not be needed in the future. A prayer for obsoleteness, a prayer for peace. The culmination of lives well lived and tranquility the reward. The plague of gang violence in our fair cities will be no more.  

The CRIP/BLOOD hybrid is born. Created by science in hopes of preventing the violence. He could be our most powerful weapon to fight crime from the inside. Pressing through the cell wall of the social clicks and into the nucleus of the problem.
We took blood from a BLOOD and a CRIP to fuse their DNA as one. It was easy gathering the gang member DNA, "they blood is already on da street. Truth."

After splicing the BLOOD/CRIP DNA, we were left with a man named Gary. He was our gamble on life and ethics. Our bold mission is to unite the world between the playas and the haterz.

Sadly, things haven’t gone well in this noble attempt at curbing urban crime. Good intentions and results often find themselves at a crossroads. Every now and then, results shakes hands with good intentions and they agree to see other people.

Gary ended up being a chatty, effeminate dude in a purple tracksuit. We knew red and blue made purple, but we never saw this coming. Possible infiltration into certain circles is uncertain. He’s made a splash on the club scene, but has not returned any info on gang activity.

He has managed to amass a very impressive collection of shoes and dating a man named Domm. They are planning to buy a tea-cup poodle together. So I guess, at least Gary’s assimilation into society was a success.

All that stuff I was saying in the beginning disregard. Starting ,effective immediately, my exit from genetic tampering begins.

I've got a bathtub of lamb afterbirth I’m just going to throw away. So come by if you want it for some reason. I won’t judge. I just figure since it’s sort of hard to find there’s got to be someone that might want it. Gary just sort of birthed himself and left without cleaning up his cocoon juice. Who knew genetics would be such a challenge.

But know this, I will stay dedicated to preventing blood shed over people's favorite colors, lowering the number of chicken-heads and I will do my best to ensure "represent'in" never exceeds regulation. East Coast/West Coast same Erf, Blue/Red just a shirt, we all the human race and they be no finish. Improper grammar...word and truth. Really, real talk and what not.

If you run into Gary tell him I'd like to talk to him about some missing prescription drugs that were prescribed to me after a dental procedure that seem to be missing. I'm  not mad, I'd just like him to remove my personal information from the bottle before he trades it for Ecstasy.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

As a child...

...I thought nipples were a genetic defect. After my first trip to a public pool the world made sense.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hip-Hop is Our Only Hope

The Gross Domestic Product of the United States is in the red, the numerous unemployed are considering Anarchy and the value of the dollar is so low it's more profitable to shoplift liquor than rob a bank. The outlook is a tad bit bleak. The 5 year plan of most is to simply stay a step ahead of suicidal-inducing debt. Of course, not everyone is circling the drain.

Remarkably, the hip-hop artist has felt none of the plight affecting the rest of world. According to every fresh-beat practitioner and lyric spitter, they're reporting (representing) record amounts of wealth. Their lyrics speak of "stacks of Benjamins", successful sale of illicit drugs and massive spending on luxury items. Sure they speak of the occasional "chickenhead that tests they patience", but bitches be crazy. We all know dat.

I recently purchased a mix tape/CD from a rapper in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Even though the quality and production of the recording is total bush-league, his lyrics speak of throwing money at strip club employees, profitable racketeering and the lobster he takes home in foil swans. I've noticed it helps to spend a great deal of money on ill-fitting clothing with a dash of violence tossed towards women.

So the question remains, why don't we employ every last one of these successful individuals. Put them in office. Hand our government over to them so they can right the ship. They've figured out how to overcome the economic enigma that puzzles our elected officials. All these singers, rappers and producers need for revenue is, "a mic in they hands."

The entrepreneur/record mogul I met in the Wal-Mart parking lot told me he was "keeping it real", and I believed him. "They won't let me sell my shit near the door, but they let those Girl Scouts sell they cookies all day long. That old-ass door greeter is racist," said the record mogul as I loaded a ridiculous amount of generic off-brand cereal into my car. It's hard to believe the geriatric man that gave me a smiley-face sticker is evil, but racists are a lot like cross-dressers. They often reveal their true self in the bathroom or at a Klan meeting.

It really was amazing the success this artist had achieved despite the amount of oppression he had to overcome. They can virtually perfect their money-making craft in any habitat. It was inspiring. Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings and every time a computer is purchased a music producer is born. After that, unbridled positive cash flow to follow.

So it's time to jump on the band-wagon with sick 24 inch blades. It's time to chase a dream my friends. It's time to put words together where the last word in the sentence rhymes with the one before it. My hope is to unleash my musical talents on the public. Like a blind-drunk frat boy pissing on an ant hill, I will flood the underground.

I've done Karaoke on the toilet in the past, but this time it's for real. The acoustics in the shitter are magical. With that said, the restroom shall be my recording studio. Add a little dash of Garage Band to produce my beats and then I make it rain (dollar bills).

So, down with the haters, up with the players. Here's my first music video about how tense it can get during a dance-fight at the club. I will know be known as Talcolm X aka Kalgone.

I went ahead and did a "Behind the Music" for when I mess it all up. The marketing machine is demanding. Real talk.  


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It's Just Money

I never would of thought I'd have a better credit rating than the country in which I reside. There's a fine line between terrorist, anarchist and patriot. It's all about point of view. If we didn't label them we couldn't tell them apart. Never underestimate someone willing to die for what they believe.
Attacks on an enemy without fear of stepping on the toes of morality happens everyday. In our newspapers, the terrorists are referred to as self-righteous, delusional zealots. Motivated by their own perverted beliefs.

Our elected leaders are "C" students without street-smarts. Their minds powered by self-preservation. Never questioning the repercussions of their actions or lack there of. We elect lawyers and cowards, then act surprised when they make us grab our ankles.

The funny thing about terrorism is you never get a chance to label yourself. We leave that job up to people who are self-righteous, delusional zealots. Motivated by their own perverted beliefs.

See what I did there...Yeah, I'm real deep. 

Monday, January 16, 2012

My Shoulder, Your Shelf

It's not a lack of pride, but a lack of money. I mean, I could blow my money on clothes, haircuts and pedi's, but I think gas is more important. I have no problem with being the disheveled dude at role call. At least I didn't have to ride the bus to get there.

I got a problem with getting haircuts. I won't pay $40 for a trim, so that means most of the time I go to this place called Economy Cuts. For real, that's the name. It's owned by an Asian family and their militant mother always bullies me into a shampoo I didn't want or need. She got that $3 extra bucks out of me every time, that's right, she scared me.

So when I moved, I thought "lets start a new life with a new cost efficient stylist." That's just what I did, I stepped into another low-rent salon and proclaimed that I needed a haircut. Of course, the only person available was Raul, a plucky Asian/Mexican male that was "fabulous" and seemed to purposely rub his junk on my shoulder when he would trim my sideburns.
I get the whole gay thing, do what you feel I guess, but my inner redneck ,I hide daily, is screaming at me to never let this man's junk take a seat on my shoulder ever again. I sat petrified till it was over like a kitten being mounted by a German Shepard.

Well, like a jackass I went back to the place. It wasn't that I missed Raul's manhood on my shoulder, it was the fact I'm a sucker for convenience, so I rolled the dice. In the hopes of drawing a different stylist that didn't have the propensity to perch his or her dick on my shoulder like a blue jay. See what I did there? Even if Raul was a herm, transgender or post-op I still don't like it. Equality.

As I enter, I see a short Hispanic lady sitting in her chair as if she's waiting for the next customer. Raul sees me and he's got on one of those shirts with the samurai picture on it that dudes wear in clubs when they plan on dance-fighting.

I immediately shot like a rocket to the senorita and she happily took me in and protected me from another genital shoulder perching. As I told her what I wanted, the next best thing other than having a dick on my shoulder happened. She stopped me, in mid-sentence, so a fellow employee could come over and translate to her ,in Spanish, what I wanted.

Evidentially, "clean up the back" and "just a little off the sides" in English, translates into "Carve this jerk up and make him look like Charlie Brown." Whatever, still better than Raul's unit on my shoulder I suppose.

Initially I thought I was better off, but when reflecting on the ordeal I really wasn't. As I looked in the mirror, the pale white skin of my scalp shined through stubble is a telling sign that's there's no way in hell a gay dude cut your hair. Raul would of never done this to me. Today I learned it might be best to look past someone's genitals perched on your shoulder and take notice of their mastery in their craft.

At this point "being cool" isn't a necessity. Being "cool for a white guy" is more my aspirations. Bend with the trends I suppose. I plan on making a support group for middle-class males that share this ailment. We'll get this together. Of course, I'd probably end up with a bunch of dudes that dig a good set of "gens" on their shoulder. Never mind. I suppose it's my twig and berries to bear.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Fat Ladies, Ice Cream and Pedophiles

Sometimes things that seem unrelated meet at a crossroads to form a logical picture we all can understand. Certain combinations find their way to each other organically though chance and destiny. You can't alter destiny, it's an unstoppable force. I prefer to just call it "the future."

I recently discovered pork rinds and chocolate have such a relationship. I thought I invented something new, but sadly there is actually a candy bar ready for national launch that is indeed bacon bits inside a chocolate bar. Look for it to pop up near the register in a few months at your local junk-mart. Some might think this marriage of flavor is disturbing. So did I, till I experienced the sweet-salty fiesta that took place on my skeptical pallet.

Some combinations you just see coming. PB n J, strippers and cocaine or soccer and boredom, the similarities greet us with a hello and we accept them.

And we can all agree that fat chicks and pedophiles will have their freezers fully stocked with ice cream. Their motivation could be characterized as polar opposites, but science should still take notice of the correlation.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Streetfighter 2: Under the Microscope

I'm not really a gamer. I find most video games a total waste of time and life. However, when I was kid I was not above the Street Fighter II craze. Does anyone remember Street Fighter I? I don't either. The picture on the left  is from the first one. Is Ryu fighting O.J.?

It's funny to look back and see how lame something can be, that was once deemed cool. The odd thing about the ancient game is it's ability to be just as disturbing as current game titles that are far more of an affront to decency.

"Oh my god, you can see up Chung Li's skirt when she falls down!" said an overstimulated youth. Yeah that was hot, but the question still remains. Is it right for a 400 lb. plus Sumo Wrestler to beat the holy-hell out of a 4 foot tall Asian lady? Sure she can fight and she has that fast kick thing, but geez, now that I look back, that match-up doesn't even seem ethical.

Oh and another thing, I just noticed most of the fighting never takes place on the street. In fact, I never saw a traffic light or parking meter. I'm just saying, don't call it a street when your fighting in Dhalsim's temple, that's offensive.

Then there's the whole issue of Guile. His hair is far from regulation and organizing fights around a multi-million dollar jet just seems foolish. Or how about when he goes abroad to kick people's asses in other countries. All the while, wearing his uniform. That's almost an act of war. I would at least not dress in Army issue fatigues, I doubt the Army would want to be part of a underground fighting tournament.

And what race are Ken and Ryu supposed to be? Are they Asian, White or Robots? They got plasma cannons in their hands, I feel labeling them as robots isn't out of line. And, why does Ehonda look like Richard Nixon? Did they not think we'd notice?

Don't even get me started on Blanca.  I'm so very, very disillusioned.  

Monday, January 2, 2012

10 Things I Hope Never Happen

1. Squirrels become carnivores and their agility in the trees shifts from cute to freighting.
2. The ice caps melt and swimming becomes a chore instead of a joy.
3. Herpes become a fashion statement.
4. The outlawing of cheese.
5. Doritos become guitar picks, guitar picks become Doritos. (Think about it.)
6. The resurrection of Michael Bolton's career.
7. Lady Bugs become our national currency.
8. The death of Whiplash the rodeo monkey.
9. Metallica and P Diddy collaborate. Diddy says "yeah" 5598 times on their debut album. People still buy it.
10. Robots become self-aware and realize if they never poop, they can never be human. Through efforts beyond our understanding they achieve their goal, but lack proper hygiene. Leaving us to live in a world with shit covered robots and our computers must now reside in litter boxes.