10 Ways to Make a Splash at the Christmas Party

1. Viciously network with everyone. Enter contact info of all the folks you encounter at the party. It's good to get this done as soon as possible so you can start emailing and texting them during the party. In this lightening fast world everyone at the party needs to know your views. Enlighten them about your thought-provoking blog, send them a link to a cat video and complain in real-time about the decor, host and lackluster food presented at the party. Your opinion matters.

2. During step 1 ,the networking phase, make it known you're a recovering alcoholic as you drink a double Cape Cod (vodka/cranberry juice). Make sure to say "This is our little secret," as you point at the glass. Feel free to down the drink as you walk off.

3. If you've got a scar, show it off! If you don't have proof you've lived a remarkable life, keep showing people your belly button. Either way, tell a different yarn every time you get an audience. Continuity of a story is only important if you're asking for donations.

4. Commandeer the sound system. Proclaim any seasonal music is "tarded" and put on Paper Planes by MIA. The perfectly modulated gunshots often distract from a lack of dancing skills. The song is around 5 minutes long, so everyone at the party will be sure to see your act of representation.

5. Be gracious, use a napkin and ask any Jewish person present "Why are you here?"

6. Carry the board game Pictionary around the party. If anyone shows interest in wanting to play, scream at them "I don't play games!!!"

7. Walk around handing people Tylenol. Be mysterious and aloof about it. "Every one's going to take their Ecstasy at Midnight so we can all trip together," as you pull your collar down to reveal a baby pacifier on a candy necklace.

8. If you have a pet or pets bring them, but make sure they're dressed festive.

9. Wear a hat that proclaims your personal belief about abortion. Perhaps a fetus on a baseball cap like a mascot of a sport team. What the fetus is doing is your constitutional choice.

10. Tap a glass with some flatware to arouse attention. Announce it's time to move the party outside. Now you are the Shepard. Lead the sheeple to the veranda. As soon as this is achieved, explain the plot of your favorite Christmas movie Die Hard. Then quickly move them back inside. To hell with the host, some people ,such as yourself, are born leaders. Taming one's charisma is only cool if you're Asian.