Friday, December 2, 2011

Air Horns

I love air horns. My little brother just upgraded the horn on his K-5 Blazer. It's almost 3 times  louder than the legal decibel limit allowed on our highways and byways. Needless to say, the middle finger of opposing motorist has diminished in its effectiveness when the retort is undeniable audible power. The deaf community is his only worthy adversary.

I buy an air horn at least once a month. Not once have I ever used it for its intended purpose. No where on the packaging does it illustrate how well it can scare your pets.

The air horn is also a fantastic way to end a conversation. It eliminates that moment of purgatory when both parties run out of things to say to one another. As you say the last word make the period be heard with a ferocious air horn blast and simply walk away.

One of the best uses of an air horn is to announce when it's time to go to bed. Wait till everyone's in their beds for about 15 minutes, then fire off a blast. Everyone under your roof will sleep soundly knowing it's officially time to go to sleep.

In many cases an air horn replaces a fart that just isn't there. We're only human, but the air horn isn't.  

Why should we restrict ourselves to only having a horn while operating a vehicle? The technology is there for the taking and I say take advantage of it as much as possible. A portable horn let's everyone know what you're all about. It tells people "I'm here and I got this whole scene under control." 

I once had a dream about an air horn. Would you like to hear it? (Mat blasts an air horn at his computer monitor.) That was a really deep joke wasn't it? 

Anyways, in my dream I was at a Texas Ranger game. They're the professional baseball team that came in second in the World Series twice, back to back, perhaps you've heard of their dormant greatness. I know there greatness and in my dream I was in the stands holding a rally sign and brandishing an ungodly loud air horn. The whole scene was totally tits. My sign read in big letters, "I've Got an Air Horn!!!" 

Is it too stupid to make this dream reality? Is too stupid to get on Sport Center or is it just stupid enough? Only time will tell. I already own an air horn, making the sign shouldn't take too much work. I might add some Lisa Frank stickers for flair. The next step is to wait until the first pitch of the upcoming season. Then no longer will I be a dreamer, but a doer. 

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