Sunday, August 28, 2011

Kindergarten Junkies

Meeting strangers is always a test of nerve. No matter who it is, my anxiety shines through the armor. I try to maintain eye contact even though my insecurities force my eyes to the floor and the sky. I think everyone suffers from this affliction. Some hide it better than others, but no one is immune.

Rarely do these societal interactions completely lock me down, take away my wit and paralyze my vocals. That is, until the other day.

As I walked into the Kindergarten class I could feel my back tighten. My eyes dart around the room, their eyes all looking at me. As I take inventory of the situation I see the toothless smiles of children that could be no more than around 5 or 6 years old. The same toothless smiles I've seen in the mouths of hopeless heroine addicts, meth junkies and crackheads.

It's shocking to see such young minds already under the grips of addiction. I gotta help these kids kick their habit. Tough love, a dash of shame and a letter to their junkie parents should get the ball rolling. After that, it's up to these kids to accept the parameters of a quality rehab program. The mass intervention will take place at Chuck E. Cheese...where a kid can simply be a kid.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Ranch is King

My feelings about ranch dressing are indifferent. I can take it or leave it, ketchup is king if you ask me.

As for fat bitches, it is a life-force that defines their being. A large woman or a small planet stepped on my foot as she grasped for ranch. I addressed the people in the crowded restaurant.

" Ladies and gentlemen. I fear my foot is broken. Beware when around this gigantic person. At this rate she will be dead soon, so we got that going for us...which is nice."