Wednesday, October 16, 2013

How to Punch a Sleeping Person in 10 Easy Steps

1. Wait for the victim to fall asleep. Take advantage of this downtime to perfect your yo-yo skills. You don't like my suggestion? Then just sit there with a dumb look on your face. I don't care. I was merely throwing out an idea to pass the time.

2. If you think the victim is sleeping, wait one more hour just to be sure. (A hunter's greatest weapon is patience.) I bet you wish you had a yo-yo right about now. It's too late. Just sit there and soak in the boredom. This whole fiasco of inactivity is your fault.

3. Before entering, inspect the area around the victim. If you've done this before the victim may have set booby traps. It's also time to stop playing with the yo-yo and place it back into your fanny pack.

4. Now that your recon mission is complete it's time to put on your Karate Gi. Practice your move on the vacuum cleaner. Being perfect never hurt anyone.

5. Harness/Focus Chi.

6. Set camera to night vision.

7. Get yourself in the right emotional state to throw a proper punch. It takes the average human a "ramping up" process to reach a point where they can attack a defenseless human.

8. Enter the room as if you were a cat. I like to dress the part. If you get caught before the attack, take full advantage of the insanity angle. A man lurking in the dark wearing a Karate Gi/Cat costume should be able to illicit a great deal of pity from the victim.

9. Stand bed-side with a strong pimp hand or a wife beating fist. Keep telling yourself you're coming from a place of love and concern. Be like Ike, but draw the line at O.J.

10. Punch, then become a ghost.
Retreat to a neutral
area. Quickly retrieve the yo-yo from your fanny pack. Then, if the roommate confronts you, say "What's up man? I've been out here practicing my yo-yo skills ,"(as you do the "around the world" trick.)  Your perceived mastery and increased skill will aid in your alibi. If you still don't have a yo-yo by now, not planning is planning to fail the way I see it.


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