We did good today.

Gnats!!!

Lazy Gender Benders

I've noticed a lot of transvestites these days. I'm pretty progressive, go ahead and do your thing. Be gay, be straight, be indifferent to your difference, but put forth some effort please.  

As I stood in line at a gas station I noticed one of the employees. It was a female impersonating a dude, spike hair, pants that don't fit and a chain wallet. Men are more than that, how about a little arrogance? Maybe work on your walk, cause that's the first thing that gave it away for me. Swagger like your a tough guy, perhaps some research.

Just the other day I saw a guy dragged out at a fast food joint. Come on dude, you look like that pretty man-elf from Lord of Rings. Everyday is Halloween for you folks and you fall short daily, commit to the role. Wear what needs to be worn and cut out this scarf BS. You might as well just wear a sign that says Tranny. I won't notice the Adam's apple if your wearing quality fake boobs.

I realize it's hard, but you picked this life so step up. Become the role, put forth some effort. You are putting on a performance and being criticized is the only way you'll improve your craft. Life is a stage and the character you chose needs a costume designer.

Here's to being a social outcast of a different sort...the lazy tranny.

Easter, Hitler and Weed

Easter, everyone's favorite Pagan inspired holiday, will occur on the 20th of April this year. Which means it will have to share the date with the birth of Hitler and the 420 Pot Holiday. It's the perfect storm of weird grab a life vest.

Let's Take a Vacation

Who wants to go with me to this new vacation hotspot called Passages Malibu? Even though my TV was on mute, I could tell this place looked fun!!! I wonder if it's all-inclusive or you pay as you go.

Half-Eaten Rotisserie Chicken in the Bathroom

A few days ago I was at a supermarket and I saw something that will stay with me forever. It's true what they say, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. A half-eaten rotisserie chicken sitting on the toilet seat of the handicap stall is quite memorable.

Once I moved past the shock, I was left analyzing the situation. If someone did want a free meal, eating it in the bathroom is a pretty fool proof plan of getting away with it. Who knows, perhaps it was purchased and consuming it in the restroom was premeditated.

I'm no judge. I'm just a guy with the songify app. So I dusted off a forgotten toy and made a crappy song. I also realized I've been misspelling the word "rotisserie" my entire life. So some personal growth did come out of it all.

The link to your audio bliss:

http://khu.sh/songify_52fe86fec7475&v2

A One Hole Golf Tournament

Elfego Baca was born February 10, 1865. At age 19 he bought a mail-order badge. I didn't misspell "bride", keep reading stupid. He stole some guns. Then he appointed himself Sheriff of Socorro County, New Mexico in 1884.

While the rest of the wild west was becoming tame, Southwest New Mexico was like international waters. It was common for cowboys to come into town and take over. They'd get drunk, get bored and shoot up the town. Just because there was a town with a saloon, general store and bank, didn't necessarily mean there was law enforcement.

Most westerns are horseshit when it comes to accuracy, but this guy's life followed the story line of the movie Tombstone. Back then, when you killed the right people, folks thought you were a cool dude. So, after being in a few gunfights ,and surviving them, a legend was born.

Fast-forward to the present, the laws of the land aren't as simple, but one can't deny a legend. The Elfego Baca Shoot Out golf tournament takes place 7,243 feet above sea level on Socorro Peak. There is only one hole and it lies 2550 feet down hill with an overall distance of 3 miles. That's right, a golf tournament that consists of one hole.

Even a good shot is hard to find, a bad one is often a guaranteed loss ball which means one stroke.From the tee box the spotters go to work attempting to find the ball or decide where to drop the ball if it goes down a mine-shaft. Oh yeah, there's a ridiculous amount of mines along with all the rocks and elevation. Each participant can lose 10 balls then they're disqualified.

The hole record is 9 shots set by Mike Stanley, but the score card goes all the way up to 75 strokes. Needless to say, par isn't even a consideration, just finishing with any of the ten balls your given is a win in itself.

Entry Fee for the Elfego Shootout is $100.00

Payoff
1st        $750
2nd      $500
3rd       $400
4th       $300
5th       $200
6th       $100

More info @ www.socorroopen.com

So It's Valentimes Day

An Old Lady fighting through the sadness.

I've noticed a great deal of

entrepreneurs on the side of the road selling over priced flora, candy and gift baskets. Then I thought to myself, "Why can't I make money off desperate people?"

So, without further adieu, here's a list of what my magical Valentimes Baskets will include:

• Clearance chocolate from last year's Valentimes
• Toilet paper rose
• Counterfeit Beanie Baby (either lobster or squirrel)
• Roll of cherry Rolaids
• Disappointment
• 12 oz. zip-lock baggy of Merlot
• $20 gift card to Olive Garden with only $5 on it
• Signed head shot of retired Texas Ranger Julio

  

  Julio Franco is all about "Uh Gud Tine."

  Franco
• Engraved heart pendant that says "I'm Sorry"
• 1 quart of pink cake icing.

 

Also, the basket is technically a promotional tote bag for the anti-depression medication Cymbalta. In addition, the containers housing the cake icing , bought at a surplus freight auction, are slightly burnt.

 

Get it all for $60 and show them how much they mean to you. Look for me today at a toll booth or turnpike near you!

Sometimes ...

 ... my apathy bothers me, but deep down I'm fine with it.

Drunk and Cartooning

When the Ice Melts in Texas - an expression in Haiku

 From your former state
 
Transform back to life elixir
 
The ground is now turd

The Final Countdown: Three...Two More Minute? Two?...One? Okay.

The 4 Weathermen of The DFW Apocalypse: 10 Steps to Fabricating Fear

10. Make the winter storm easy to hate. Frozen precipitation is the color pink on a Doppler
radar color code. This is on purpose, it makes the snow seem super gay.

9. When speaking of a storm system make it seem as if it's a freight train hauling a load of child molesters to the audience's doorstep.

8. Always compare current weather to extreme events that occurred in the past. It's okay to refer to pre-Biblical times.

7. Make sure you take off your suit jacket, loosen your tie and roll up your sleeves a quarter the way up your arm. Let the audience know this is the hardest acting gig since your stuntman days performing in the wild west show at Six Flags.

6. Keep reminding people that the freezing point of water is 32 degrees Fahrenheit, then point to areas on a map with temperatures below freezing and bug your eyes out.

5. Look at blurry pictures sent to you by people who can barely use a camera. Then let your imagination run wild to what you're looking at. "A frozen koi pond or a glacier, who knows? death is certain either way."

4. The holy grail, b-roll footage of wrecks where snow is in the shot. The accident footage can be from any location or decade.

3. When the news anchor throws the newscast to you act a little disgusted at the light banter they just made you take part in. You're a weather man dammit, not some mailman or zookeeper.

2. Break in at least once during primetime programming to reiterate that the Winter Season thinks everyone watching the newscast killed its dad. The storm system plans on using a "wintery mix" to avenge his death.

1.  Don't ever mention the fact that this is all taking place in Texas and the winter assault will end in 72 hours. If you do end up mentioning it, compare our few days of winter to the 3 months of desolate, soul-crushing, alcoholism-inducing weather of our northern neighbors.

Just add ice to make a
delicious Chaos Cocktail!

Christmas Drama

My Fantasy Curling Team

All these foreigners better start giving a damn. Flargin Lettinen, Zubo Kalkokov, Surge Meskinen and the other guy that spells his name with all vowels better step up their game or I'll cut'em. I'm colder than the ice they awkwardly walk upon.

Optimus Brim Will be the Must-Have Toy This Holiday Season

I Love Helping with Holiday Craft Projects

e-Cards for the Holidays are Here!!!

 

 

 

Why Mini Vans Exist

How to Punch a Sleeping Person in 10 Easy Steps

1. Wait for the victim to fall asleep. Take advantage of this downtime to perfect your yo-yo skills. You don't like my suggestion? Then just sit there with a dumb look on your face. I don't care. I was merely throwing out an idea to pass the time.

2. If you think the victim is sleeping, wait one more hour just to be sure. (A hunter's greatest weapon is patience.) I bet you wish you had a yo-yo right about now. It's too late. Just sit there and soak in the boredom. This whole fiasco of inactivity is your fault.

3. Before entering, inspect the area around the victim. If you've done this before the victim may have set booby traps. It's also time to stop playing with the yo-yo and place it back into your fanny pack.

4. Now that your recon mission is complete it's time to put on your Karate Gi. Practice your move on the vacuum cleaner. Being perfect never hurt anyone.

5. Harness/Focus Chi.

6. Set camera to night vision.

7. Get yourself in the right emotional state to throw a proper punch. It takes the average human a "ramping up" process to reach a point where they can attack a defenseless human.
 

8. Enter the room as if you were a cat. I like to dress the part. If you get caught before the attack, take full advantage of the insanity angle. A man lurking in the dark wearing a Karate Gi/Cat costume should be able to illicit a great deal of pity from the victim.

9. Stand bed-side with a strong pimp hand or a wife beating fist. Keep telling yourself you're coming from a place of love and concern. Be like Ike, but draw the line at O.J.

10. Punch, then become a ghost.
Retreat to a neutral
area. Quickly retrieve the yo-yo from your fanny pack. Then, if the roommate confronts you, say "What's up man? I've been out here practicing my yo-yo skills ,"(as you do the "around the world" trick.)  Your perceived mastery and increased skill will aid in your alibi. If you still don't have a yo-yo by now, not planning is planning to fail the way I see it.