Monday, November 21, 2011

Thanksgiving and the Missing Deer Testicle

Respect and love keep you steadfast like an old dog tied to the porch. The story involves a person you've never met, yet it's critical you know the name of the man that grew the biggest watermelons in Lampasas county. In the distance you can hear another conversation between a toddler and another elder about the financial benefits of purchasing the generic version of Lipitor.

Despite your efforts to eat healthy over the past few years, you're wrong. The decision to not eat trans-fats means nothing. You often wonder if between baking margarine-laden treats, members of the family moonlight as drug dealers. They even talk like a pusher, "If you just try it once I know you'll like it." All they see is a harmless little cookie. I see a synthetic polymer that causes the hardening of arteries.
Of course, if you let them know about your fear of high blood pressure, that opens another door. In some cases you might see some of the extended family only a few times a year and that time is spent talking ,in depth, about hypertension. They don't want to prevent it or listen to your theory on Spam being worse than cigarettes. They just want to talk about anything to anyone. It's better just to nod up and down.

The oddest part of the whole day is supervising the television. For most folks the selected background noise is either a parade or a football game. Then one of the olds grabs the controller to watch the weather channel and ends up on the Maury Show. As I hear bleeping and a discussion about adultery I walk in to see all the old folks looking at the TV with judgmental faces.. " We were looking for the weather channel and "your" TV landed on this channel," says an aunt in an accusatory manner.

As the announcement is made that the feast is ready, the children's discussion on "What is a Lipitor?" ceases. The young and old migrate to the chow line. The big moment is upon us and all the generations are finally on the same page.

All the food is assembled into breathtaking entrees. The turkey, the stuffing and something that you mistook for a centerpiece is now on the menu. "Sure I'd like some of...uh...that," you say, as a giant spoon is pointed at you like a weapon.

As the first few bites are taken, the compliments flutter about. All the hard work of the chefs comes full circle as they are showered with accolades. Then, like a sniper with a perfectly aimed bullet, one family member will ask why there isn't any marshmallows on the sweet potatoes and the love-fest is over.

The Liposaurus
The next 4o seconds of awkward silence is all the peace and quiet you're going to get all day. Cherish it. Then wait for the next comment to break the tension. It will be random. It will be awesome. "That buck I tagged this year only had one testicle," says one uncle. Yeah, there you go.

"Is this what they were talking about?" asks a child as they hand me their phone. "They were talking about a pill people take when they're sick, but what you've found is far more interesting," I reply.

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